065

the first concert i ever went to was on february 18th, 2008. i saw cobra starship.

this is taken from my livejournal account. mind you, this was 4 years ago, and i was just a peppy 14 year old. i believed that the best things were to come, even though things were pretty good back then. now that i look back on it, i really took advantage of all of the things i did, and this is one of them. i was expecting everything around me to be constant (time, people, place) while i changed. it kind of makes me sad.

nevertheless, it was a great experience, and i’m glad i went when i did.

064

the only thing i miss about cincinnati is skyline chili and grater’s ice cream.

THAT SHIT WAS SO GOOD AND I JUST TOOK IT FOR GRANTED

063

my greatest fear right now is the process of moving forward.

i do not want to finish applications, getting all stressed out over numbers and figures, not getting any sleep, and distancing myself from those around me. i really want this school year to be over, and i’m glad that i’m halfway through. i think i’ll miss the routine and familiarity of it all, but that’ll only be temporary. i’m too eager to move forward, but i need to take it a step at a time before i get ahead of myself. there are many little things i’m planning to do once this has passed, but i won’t say for now. they’ll come, and i hope that when i look back, i’ll be damn glad that i moved ahead.

062

i can’t find myself enjoying movies anymore.

i think i’m just picky, but i can’t sit through an 1 1/2 movie and enjoy myself, unless i picked it out myself or have watched it before. if someone suggests to me “hey, watch this” or “let’s go to the theatre and watch this movie” i just can’t do it. i no longer have the will or attention span to sit myself down and enjoy or criticize a film

i also never tore myself apart during a movie. tragic ending? ok. main character dies? ok. something completely fucked up and if you had any trace of humanity in your being you would shed tears? no tears are shed.

maybe it’s just my general disinterest in almost anything now that prevents me from enjoying any type of movie, and i don’t see it changing anytime soon. 

061

i used to be so passionate about certain things. whether it’d be making movies or the impulse of adventuring, i just lost it. that ‘thing’ that kept me going is pretty much dormant, and the way i’m doing things now is to just get by. i don’t want to just get by, but i don’t know how to change it.

060

thinking back on it, it’s amazing at how easy it seemed to be friends with everyone. flashback to middle school, maybe you didn’t like the bitchy kid or the one that ate his boogers, but everyone was connected at the hip, at least for the first few years.

after going to marana, i was surgically separated from that environment, and throw into a caustic shark tank. i realized that no you can’t be yourself and the people you once knew, you couldn’t call them familiar.

that was probably my only problem when first transferring to ssa. i was so adapted to not be with other people and fend for myself. i guess, at that time and with that mindset, it was so traumatic that i could never fully recover, and i still can’t. i can count, on one hand the number of people i can either hang out with or somewhat trust not to eat me alive. i can’t ever fully recover, but i guess that’s a good thing. if not a good thing, a thing that was meant to happen.

it’s so odd. after all the people from elementary school, i only ever talk to 2. funny.

059

they keep saying that you ‘find yourself’ or have some sort of epiphany, no matter how minute while you write your personal essay.

thing is, everything’s out of sync and moving light years ahead than what i can comprehend. i’m too volatile when exposed to engaged minds and just really fucking insightful people. i realized that my collection of books, movies, and interests are all borrowed from other people. true, they borrowed theirs from others as well, but it just makes me feel so obsolete. 

what can i possibly contribute? it’s not like everything’s been said or discovered, but i can’t put into tangible form what i know, what i think i know, or just bullshit.

shit man. i just hope that i can at least grovel my way through this damned essay.

058

for my birthday this year, i think i’m the most excited for my cake.

actually, i think it’s always been like that.

057

when i was little, having breakfast for dinner would be the best damn thing in the world. that, and my mom buying me a new vhs tape for me to watch on my little cube of a tv until early hours.

056

it’s becoming more apparent that with each passing day, i just want certain things to remain constant, mostly myself. if i could just stop questioning and analyzing every menial thing, that would be wonderful. if my food would stay hot for more than 4 minutes, that would be fantastic. mainly, the big, drastic changes that are coming up, they can occur, but everything else needs to be static.

055

i love it when i’m so exhausted that i can just collapse on my bed and pass out. it’s one of those essential great feelings, in my opinion.

054

the reason that i don’t say much around others is because as soon as i start speaking, i can’t stop. the horrible, bloody truth will rear its ugly head, and i feel that most people would not like me. i mean, i really don’t care if people don’t like me; i have no interest in impressing all the greys in life. another reason is that i think of a perfect subject, response, etc, but can’t convey it into words.

it’s alright though. i’m too lazy to say what’s on my mind anyway.

053

i’m constantly at war with myself over that little thing and it’s exhausting. i, like most people, have up and down days. i’ll look at myself, and feel pretty vain, but doesn’t everyone? still, i hate those vain days. i feel disgusting. i also feel disgusting on off days. i’ll nit pick certain features of myself i hate and it never, ever ends.

052

most of the dreams i have are inception level dreams. the whole “a dream within a dream” is a very common occurrence with me. sometimes, they’re shallow little blips of dreams, kind of like a mad copy & paste project put together at the last second. other times, they’re intricate, interweaving dreams that honestly can’t be described other than entertaining.

051

i’ve sprained the same ankle twice within 3 years of each other. the first time i sprained it in 7th grade, i was obviously butt hurt and pissy because i had to use crutches for weeks, and my old school’s building had three stories, and being the stubborn kid i was, i decided to crutch up the stairs instead of taking the piss-scented elevator.

in 10th grade, i discarded the butt hurt attitude and decided to poke fun at myself. (because hey, i’m obviouslykindof a dipshit for injuring myself in the same place) (waytobeoriginalkim) “yes, i am a cripple har har” “no, i’m not sorry, smelly 6th grader, for stomping on your foot with my crutch”

still, not being able to walk sucks, and i don’t plan on letting it happen again.